Introduction

In the Matrimonial Section of our site, we share our views on all things related to love and marriage.

From celebrity-couples-that-should-have-been-but-weren't to advertisements-for-marriage to reports-of-fantasy-weddings, love, as you might well know, crosses all boundaries.

If you just cant wait to get the latest scoop of gossip or if you are depressingly fed up of your lonely existence, go on, we make your dreams come true.

Rakhi Ka Swayamvar - The Scene

You know who we really feel bad about. Mallika Sherawat. Not that she's starving or homeless, but still, she has been wronged.

Cut back to 2003. The run up to the release of Khwahish. Mallika Sherawat. A small town Jat girl from a conservative family, in a brazenly bold movie, known more for the 17 kisses than its creative or thespian quality. But more than anything what put Mallika on the cover of magazines before even her debut movie hit the screens, was her talk. Here she was showing more skin than Fat Bastard in Austin Powers in Goldmember, while lecturing on women empowerment to anyone who would listen. Here was a woman, who embraced the sex symbol tag, not perhaps with a grace of Zeenat Aman, but rather the audacity of Marilyn Monroe. In three short years, she reached the peak of her career, rather anticlimactically by making out with and making cinematic love to Emraan Hashmi in Murder.

But little did she know, she had sown the seeds of her own gradual slide into obscurity. Enter Rakhi Sawant. Another hot babe from a 'conservative' family, who didn't mind a few inches off her clothes. But Rakhi had done her homework. She will dish none of the preaching and eventually monotonous self-righteousness air that Mallika walked around with. Instead we get a full bouquet of emotions, from the brash item girl to the meek girl of traditional values, this one never gets boring. Rakhi Sawant has singlehandedly proved that as a nation all our talk of women (so-called) empowerment, or Bollywood's reluctant attempts at progressive, intelligent entertainment, is all just an unconvincing facade. Deep down inside all that the Indian television audience really wants, is a riveting soap opera. Complete with the gharelu ideals, the vamp, the scandals and what better way to top it all off, than with a glamourous marriage.

Rakhi Sawant was the complete entertainment package fulfilling the needs of the entire Indian family. Rakhi Sawant, The Great Indian Tamasha.

Rakhi ka Swayamvar - The BigShots

The Extravaganza that is Rakhi ka Swayamvar, produced by Sol Entertainment, is without a doubt The Greatest Television Show Ever... to be aired on NDTV Imagine that is. With this show the channel has managed to stave off competition from Sony, for the time being. The show is taped and produced at the magnificient Fatehgarh Palace in Udaipur, to set the scene a fairytale love affair. Ram Kapoor, who has become quite a household name since his roles in two Ekta Kapoor serials, will be hosting the show and will also be Rakhi's 'friend, philosopher and guide' helping her choose her life partner from the 16 finalists. The decision to cast Ram has been widely regarded as a brilliant move to ensure that none of  the 16 suitors is the ugliest person on the screen at any moment.

To add a little flavour to the proceedings, celebrity guests will participate in different episodes and help Rakhi in her decision and the grooms in their pursuit. Apparently NDTV Imagine, having tasted TRP ratings success for the first time, "Imagined" that all celebrities would be hooked on to the show and would graciously want to join as guests. Unfortunately that didn't happen so instead to 'celebrity guests' the show got a few 'Page 3 wannabe guests'. First guest, according to Ram Kapoor so incredibly famous that no introduction was ever needed nor could do him justice, was Ravi Kishaan, world famous in Bihar. In subesquent episodes TV actor Hiten Tejwani, choreographer Deepak Singh and Singer Raja Hassan helped the contestants, giving them tips in their fields of supposed expertise to be able to woo Miss Rakhi Sawant.

The next celebrity guest is going to be Saroj Khan. She is apparently going to teach the grooms how to make a woman feel secure in their arms. The ‘Masternee’ strongly told Rakhi to make sure that the man she marries does not make her leave dancing ever. Now that's good advice for a glorified item girl.

Rakhi ka Swayamvar - The Hype

Rakhi Magic has gripped the nation, or so NDTV Imagine would have you believe. Here is some of the evidence that would help them validate their claim -

1.  The opening week of RS provided NDTV Imagine with the highest TRP of its history. (NDTV Imagine is a loser channel. Their highest TRP Ratings are less than half of Star Plus which itself is only 3rd on the ratings listing.)
2. More than 15,000 applicants sent in their applications to be selected by Rakhi Sawant as her husband. (That's cool. There are about 200 million males in marriageable age bracket. Enough to slaughter those 15,000.)
3. An 87 year old single father from Delhi, Dr RK Joshi applied to be Rakhi Sawant's husband. (What the ...??)
4. Athar Parvez, a crime branch constable from Kashmir wanted to be Rakhi's husband. So badly, that he left his wife and family back home to do so. (Sadly being married caused him a disqualification. But more importantly, a 'sting' operation by E24, the only channel even more obscure than Imagine, supposedly revealed that the whole dq was a setup and that NDTV knew about Parvez's marriage.)
5. Ram Kapoor challenged two of the suitors to prove their love for Rakhi by tattooing her name on their body. Smart man Kripal Singh backed out, while Pranav Damle went ahead and got inked. (We Pity the Fool.)
6. Rakhi got NRI bids to be her husband. One of the 16 finalists in Elesh Parujanwala from Toronto, Canada. (And he won. Means Rakhi's no longer gonna be India's premier entertainment??)
7. Nagpur lover boy Ashwin Chaudhary ditched his only sister's marriage to try and woo Rakhi. (Now that makes two rakhis that he won't be getting.) 
8. The show caught the eye of World famous astro-numerologist and vaastu consultant (now that's what we call a really big pile of crap) Sandhiya Mehta. She said that according to her "calculations", Rakhi would certainly not be marrying anyone and this show was just a publicity stunt and a sham. (The Swayamvar might well be a scam, we don't know. But reportedly "Mehta ma'am is a numerology and horseshit counseller for top politicos like Narendra Modi, businessmen and even scientists." She does seem to know a good scam when she sees one.)

Rakhi ka Swayamvar - DevilSpeak

Speak of the Devil, and the devil shall speak back. So here we have it, uncut, uncensored, straight the metaphorical horse's mouth -

1. The girl you see in the show is the real me.


2. Unlike popular perception, I am quite a traditional girl at heart, I want to do my husband's seva.


3. Sita had her swayamvar, so why can’t I?


4. I am the daughter of the media.


5. Given a chance, I can give a better cricket commentary than Mandira!


6. My huzbend should be big-hearted, a man who respects women, should make me laugh and be able to dance. I have all these qualities and I don’t want people to think hoor ke bagal mein langoor.


7. I believe in the age old concept of Jeena Marne Ke Kasme.


8. My husband should earn at least Rs 5000 a month, so he can be rickshaw driver as well. Alternatively a doctor, engineer or even actor will also do.


9. No, I will check all suitors properly. I will test ride them all.


10. (On which celebrity is a dream husband) Rahul Gandhi is a good bet. Hope he sees me today as I look very beautiful in the bride's outfit.


11. Like Draupadi in Mahabharata, I want to marry all 16 of the contestants because all of them are great people.


12. I want my man to approach me like Salman Khan, speak to me like Aamir Khan and kiss my hand like Shahrukh Khan.


13. Saas bilkul Lalita Pawar ki tarah hona chahiye. Saas bilkul spaicy honi chahiye, kyunki unki bahu mein itna spaaice hai.
    
    



14. 
    (on why she eliminated Rishi) - Meri dil ki ghanti nahi baji.


15. Rakhi's immaculate english vocabulary - Figure out what they mean yourself.
    huzbend, spaice, fillings, 100 litre diamund, eksapt, love later, negateef...

Rakhi ka Swayamvar - The Finalists

Name	Scientific Name	Base of Operations	Profession	Superpower
Luv Khanna	Doodus Modelum	New Delhi	Model, Engineer	Ability to smile like a complete dork.
Manmohan Tiwari	Poetus Desius	Rishikesh	Actor, Advocate	Ability to occasionally sound more desi than Laloo.
Elesh Parujanwala	Aulaadum Angrezia	Toronto	Businessman	Promised 3 gifts gave only 2. Ability to dress like Amitabh Bachchan in Jaadugar.
Deepak Raghav	Wannabi Arnoldicus	Bulandshahr	Fitness Trainer	Ability to show male cleavage in any outfit.
Kripal Singh	Chootus Maximus	Mumbai	Stunt Artist	Ability to be completely worthless of any mention even in a scripted show.
Raman Handa	Gaynormous	Saharanpur	Astrologer, Vastu consultant, Interior Decorator	Ability to be have the gayest hairstyle on any given day in any given crowd.
Ather Parvez	Noobus Maximus	Srinagar	Police officer	Ability to speak at subsonic sound level inaudible to man.
Athirek Sharma	Teethia Irritatus	Kanpur	Actor	Ability to be act like the biggest idiot in a room full of idiots.
Manas Katyal	Doodus Coolio	New Delhi	Event Producer	Ability to look cool while not being worth a shit.
Kapil Mathur	Geekus Meekus	Jaipur	Ex-Marketing Manager	Ability to quit job in time of recession and still show face on national television.
Pranav Damle	Marathus Manus	Mumbai	Engineer	Ability to speak in marathi.
Ashwin Chaudhary	Amezing Amezzingus	Nagpur	Marriage Consultant	Ability to be Amezzing.
Ali Bana	Dancer Horriblus	Mumbai	Choreographer	Ability to look like a Hindi film villain and not like Eric Bana.
Aman Talwar	Losii Superii	Haryana	Losing	Ability to be come in last in a loser reality show on a loser channel.
Rishi Dwivedi	Wierdus Hairstylicus	Lucknow	Actor	Ability to shed fake tears at will.
Chitiz Jain	Dorkus PotBellicus	New Delhi	Something, noone cares	Ability to have a shockingly dumb name.

How to write the perfect newspaper matrimonial

First, just a quick check to make sure you know what we're talking about. This article is about newspaper matrimonials - those short paragraphs which come in the Classified Supplement on Sunday, and read generally like this:

Fair beautiful girl 179/25 seeks well qualified handsome software engineer

In this short guide, you will be taught how to write the perfect matrimonial in steps.

1. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Under no circumstances must you make potential brides/grooms think that your son/daughter is not good-looking. The minimum adjective to be used is 'beautiful' or 'b'ful'. 'Very beautiful' is also commonly used. 'Fair' should also be used, whether true or not (remember, you have two months of Fair and Lovely use before you need to show your son/daughter to anyone interested.

So, at this point, we have 'Fair, v. b'ful girl/boy'.

2. Caste

There isn't really too much you can change about this, so just write it as it is.

3. Age

See Caste. One tip though: if your child is older than 30, state the age of birth rather than the age directly - that way people will have to calculate, and will be confused.

4. Height

Written in cm, for some weird reason. If height is below 150 cm (that's about 5 feet), go back to point 1 and add something like 'talented', 'obedient', 'god-fearing' or 'pretty', or all of these.

4.1. How could we forget this?

Go back to the beginning and insert the word 'homely' - a must in all Indian matrimonials. The people who write it think it means 'home-loving'. Actually, the meaning is this.

5. Divorce :(

If your son/daughter is a divorcee, remember that he/she MUST be an innocent divorcee. If (as is often the case), the earlier marriage yielded two children, mention it as briefly as possible and hope nobody will notice.

6. Educational qualifications

If your son/daughter has a degree, good. Write the name of the degree. If not, start using words like 'clever' in point 1. You can also use words like 'qualified' instead of the name of the degree - you aren't saying what qualification.

And then there's the trump card - convent educated. It can even overcome stumbling blocks like a jail sentence and a lack of any further education subsequent to the convent training.

6.5. Salary

State the yearly salary as a number without any unit, and hope they'll think its the monthly salary.

7. Family

Your family must be reputed or at least respectable - there is no other option. Don't make the fatal mistake of writing 'rich family' - it will either make you give to much dowry or receive none.

8. Bars

Usually, every successful matrimonial has a 'Caste no bar. Age no bar.' label attached. We suggest that you add a few more lines here to show that you're liberal. Adding a note like 'Visits no bars' at the end will reinforce the traditional values that you stand for.

Of course, if caste is a bar, you must use the holy phrase 'please excuse'.

9. Prospective bride (or groom)

The requirements that you state must be extremely stringent. After all, a life partner for your child must be a combination of Batman (woman), Superman (woman) and Nagraj (?). We suggest some combination of the following points:

• Extremely handsome/beautiful
• Slim (if female)
• Well placed
• Well settled (another common mistake. Well settled usually implies they're already married, and bigamy is, sadly, illegal.)
• Earning 7 figure salary (this is a very useful intimidation tool. When they're finished calculating what that means, they have a healthy respect for you.)
• Healthy personality (whatever that means.)
• Religious
• Respectable family

10. (and most important)

All the above points assume that you want to be honest. If you don't, you won't have problems anyway.

This is not the end - watch out for an upcoming article on online matrimonial which is, of course, the place where the real fun starts.